When I first made this website I was excited and interested in my craft. Now I’m struggling to meditate for 30 minutes a day. Spirit has told me that I’m where I need to be. Right now I feel as though I’m in a void. The void is hard to endure. You can scream and shout into it and you won’t hear anything back, not even your echo. When I talk about the void I mean a period of time where the way forward is unclear, no actions feel like they take me in any meaningful direction and my connection to Spirit feels dull or murky at best. I’ve fallen into using THC again which I know Spirit is against. I usually feel best sober, but I suppose the reason I keep going back to it is because I just feel like turning off. I get bored and antsy and I have a hard time understanding what the point is. Its almost like this Zen nihilism where because I feel little desire, nothing seems to feel important enough to do. I know it isn’t true Zen because underneath that is the desire for desire. Secularly, I suppose we just call this depression, which we make a problem culturally, but I think it’s only an issue when you’re conditioned to need ambition and doing to make life meaningful. It makes sense though, ‘ambition’ comes from the Latin ‘ambitio’ to go around (specifically collecting votes or currying favor) and I can’t think of another word that really encapsulates the wheel of Samsara quite as well.

I suppose this entry is here as a marker of this condition. I want nothing to do with most folks most days, which is an intensification of my usual hermit self. I have little masculine energy at my disposal as well. This has come upon me during Winter, so one could say that I simply have Seasonal Affective Disorder but I feel like something is stirring under the surface. It started mid-Fall and has only continued from there. I do believe that the time from the Fall Equinox to the Spring Solstice is for hibernation on all levels, so I return to this when my mind races to find what’s “wrong” to justify myself. Perhaps its as simple as the return of the Sun to make me understand the purpose behind my languishing. There’s this impulse within me to save the world, or at least do my part as a spiritual practitioner; to become the medicine woman that my community needs but I feel a lack of motivation to continue working with Spirit. I sometimes wonder if its fled me since I’ve proven myself to be unworthy as a vessel. I remind myself that the world of Spirit is one filled with other thinking feeling unique beings. Not quite like humanity but when it comes to building relationships with them the underlying principals are similar enough. I feel guilt for ‘ghosting’ them. Pun intended. It’s funny to be both distracted by and unsatisfied with the physical world but not feel enthusiasm for the spiritual one either, just a compulsion for it by obligation. The beings I work with tend to be very patient with me. They don’t experience the construct of time like we do so their patience has little to do with waiting exactly. I have chosen carefully not to work with beings I would owe more to but I feel compelled to become more serious and dutiful about my workings with these beings. I know in my time as a practitioner I have not honored my unembodied relationships the way I honor my embodied ones. The living people tend to need more and in this blind, deaf, and dumb state we as humans find ourselves, these are the beings we give the dignity of being real. In a culture where you’re only interaction with anything beyond the veil is either mindless unquestioning servitude and worship or fear and loathing it’s hard not to have some trouble with relationships with spirits, deities, etc.

I have little else to say. I’m glad I took some time on a day off to interrogate my feelings or lack there of. Its been like an itch that can’t be scratched. I grow tired of trying to find something to entertain me enough to forget my restlessness. I want to be the kind of person who gets up and does the work even when motivation is absent but I’ve become very good at picking up and starting again. To anyone who has read this and may also have an interest in the spiritual or occult, remember that spirituality doesn’t end with your meditation or spell work, its something that is always intertwined with the mundane. The real issue is remembering this both in body and mind.